Oh my bride how I have longed for you,
In the still of the night I have called you,
You have left my embrace
My love you tried to replace
With vain pursits
My grace you abused
This world you've consumed
Yet my love still remains
Though your dress is severely stained
I say come unto me
I am all that you need
The love that you seek
You will find at my feet
My arms are open wide
Come in and abide
Your deepest hurt I long to heal
Every void I long to fill
Every need I will meet
Your enemies I'll defeat
My bride
My beautiful bride
I have longed for you
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thankful reflections.
As I sit on the the eve of my 28th Birthday, I can't help but be grateful for my 27th year. I can't say that everything has been flowers and candy, but I can say that everything has worked together for my good! One of the only things that I remember from biology class is anything that is alive is growing even if you cannot see it. From the tiniest cell to the largest organism, it is constantly growing and reproducing. I can say that this has definitely been a year of growth for me. Though like many students I have learned lessons the hard way I am grateful that I have learned them because they have caused me to grow. I have loved and been loved, given and learned to receive, I have been forgiven but most of all I have learned to forgive. I have accomplished goals that have at one time seemed unreachable. I have gone for a job that I loathed to one that I look forward going to. So as I wave goodbye to 27 I embrace 28 with joy and expectation. I expect that He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it! Happy Birthday To ME!!!!
Monday, October 1, 2012
It's a Choice
If you have been following my posts then you know that a lot of what I share is from personal experience. Over the past couple of years I have experienced a lot of hurts and disappointments. I have experienced a lot of shifts and changes in relationships. People that I thought were meant to be lifetime friends have exited the picture of my life. On the flip side God has added some amazing people into my life as well. With that being said I am learning the importance of CHOICE.
The ability to make sound choices is one of the most powerful weapons that we possess as humans, yet for me it also become a hindrance. As I shared in previous posts, I have always been one that loves and loves hard. In that, when situations come and people hurt me it hurts me deep and I have the tendency to hold on to things. Though I know that I must forgive, I have found that is a lot easier than it sounds.
You see, for me, the feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment out weighed the knowledge of God's Word and His requirement of me. If the truth were to be told, many of you reading this have been here to. My refusal to let go and allow God to do the work that He was desiring to do in my life and in the lives of those who hurt me I subconsciously chose to be the god of my life and went into survival mode. I decided that I needed to protect my heart. I needed to do what I felt like God didn't do.
What I did not realize was that day by day these feelings were eating away at me. Though I living and flourishing outwardly on the inside I was dying. I was slowly becoming a person that I did not even I like. My prayer life suffered. I felt like I could not hear the voice of God. The loving and trusting person that I used to be was becoming suspicious and cold. I found that when I would usually reach out to others I had found it hard to care.
One day, I had been praying about a specific situation and as I was getting in my car one morning, I heard the Lord say to me "Its a pride issue!" It was in that moment that it hit me. My pride had caused me to hold on to the hurt and pain of these situations. I had allowed my pain to shield the fact that my actions could have possibly had an effect on the others involved as well. All I knew is that I was hurt and that was all that mattered.
That Day in my garage I realized that I had a choice to make. I could chose to allow pride to rule and hold tight to my thoughts, my feelings, my way and protect me or I could choose to forgive and allow God to do the work in my life and heart.
I wish I could tell you that instantly in that moment I came to myself and everything got better overnight however, that was not the case at all. I had to walk out the process. I had to repent to God and to those involved. I had to do some things the I vowed to myself that I would never do. Though all of the situations has not fully changed, I can say with certainty that God has done a work in my heart as a result of my choice to forgive. My challenge to you today, is no matter how deep the hurt, know that it does not out weigh the pain that Christ endured on the cross. If He who was without sin is willing to forgive you no matter how may times you have hurt Him, I invite you to extend the same grace to the ones who have hurt you. Remember that ALL things (good, bad, painful, or otherwise) work together for the good of those who love God and are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).
Monday, July 23, 2012
Anything You Starve Will Die!
It has been a while since I have posted on here. I am sitting at work thinking (since I work graveyard shift there is not much else to do) and I had this thought, "anything you starve will die." Though this is no deep revelation I keep hearing these words over and over again. As I continued to ponder this thought I began to think about how often times this phrase is used to discuss ridding yourself of a bad habit or something along those lines.
While this is very true in the sense that if you are trying to break a habit, one of the best ways to do that is to not "feed the habit". For me though, I began to think about relationships. I began to ponder how often times in relationships we don't put the necessary time and effort into making them work. I am not just referring to dating/marriage relationships though these types of relationships provide the perfect backdrop for my train of thought.
Many times when we begin dating we put our best foot forward. We put the time. We go out of our way to let the other person know that we are interested and that we care. Likewise with new friendships. We call, facebook, tweet, DM, IM, TM, you get the point we are constantly doing things to feed the relationship and because of that it flourishes and grows. But as time passes, we go days, weeks, months without communication. Disagreements happen and we just let them go or worse we feed the fury instead of working to repair the breach in the relationship. Before we know it we look up and the person that was once our best friend, mentor, brother, or sister is now a distant acquaintance or worse someone that barely talk to if you talk at all.
I am learning that anything worth having is worth fighting for. If God has placed people in your life remember to take the time to feed the relationship. Work through disagreements, and invest in building one another. Remember, anything you starve will die.
While this is very true in the sense that if you are trying to break a habit, one of the best ways to do that is to not "feed the habit". For me though, I began to think about relationships. I began to ponder how often times in relationships we don't put the necessary time and effort into making them work. I am not just referring to dating/marriage relationships though these types of relationships provide the perfect backdrop for my train of thought.
Many times when we begin dating we put our best foot forward. We put the time. We go out of our way to let the other person know that we are interested and that we care. Likewise with new friendships. We call, facebook, tweet, DM, IM, TM, you get the point we are constantly doing things to feed the relationship and because of that it flourishes and grows. But as time passes, we go days, weeks, months without communication. Disagreements happen and we just let them go or worse we feed the fury instead of working to repair the breach in the relationship. Before we know it we look up and the person that was once our best friend, mentor, brother, or sister is now a distant acquaintance or worse someone that barely talk to if you talk at all.
I am learning that anything worth having is worth fighting for. If God has placed people in your life remember to take the time to feed the relationship. Work through disagreements, and invest in building one another. Remember, anything you starve will die.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Almost!!!
I almost quit
I almost gave in
I almost let my emotions get the best of me
I almost gave up
I almost forgot who I was
I almost forgot how to live
I almost became bitter
I almost stopped caring
I almost walked away
But then You reminded me
The pain wont last forever
The hurt must fade away
Your purposes are eternal
Without a crushing
The oil cant flow
The facts aren't always in what you see
But more so what you know
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Quiet Reflections
As I sit on the campus Indiana University of Pennsylvania (IUP), my heart becomes overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness mostly because my first college experience was on this campus. I have so many fond memories. It was in this place that I became serious about salvation and MY walk God. It was at IUP that I met my best friend Melanie. I experienced love and heartbreak, joy and sorrow all in the short year that I was on campus.
One thing that stands out most to me as I sit in this coffee shop is the morning that I met with the Dean of the chemistry department here on campus. I had asked for the meeting because I was struggling terribly academically and I was already on academic probation. This was during one of the darkest times in my life when I was depressed and deeply mourning the lost of my mother. Waking up everyday was chore and studying and homework took a backseat to miserable days and tear filled nights. While I cannot remember this woman's name, I do remember her telling me that I was not "college material" and that I "did not have what it took to complete this program, let alone become a doctor"
I remember how my heart broke as she rattled off such heartless words. She didn't know me. She didn't know the story or reason for my struggle. I could feel the tears beginning to fill my eyes. Though her words were as a dagger in my heart I refused to let her see me cry. I let her finish and I walked out of her office broken, defeated, and disappointed.
I am writing this blog as I anxiously await to cross my second college stage and tears again fill my eyes. Not because of disappointment or sorrow, but because I am about to accomplish in two weeks what I was told this I would never do! And for the record DOCTOR is still the goal and I WILL NOT quit until I reach it!!!!!!
One thing that stands out most to me as I sit in this coffee shop is the morning that I met with the Dean of the chemistry department here on campus. I had asked for the meeting because I was struggling terribly academically and I was already on academic probation. This was during one of the darkest times in my life when I was depressed and deeply mourning the lost of my mother. Waking up everyday was chore and studying and homework took a backseat to miserable days and tear filled nights. While I cannot remember this woman's name, I do remember her telling me that I was not "college material" and that I "did not have what it took to complete this program, let alone become a doctor"
I remember how my heart broke as she rattled off such heartless words. She didn't know me. She didn't know the story or reason for my struggle. I could feel the tears beginning to fill my eyes. Though her words were as a dagger in my heart I refused to let her see me cry. I let her finish and I walked out of her office broken, defeated, and disappointed.
I am writing this blog as I anxiously await to cross my second college stage and tears again fill my eyes. Not because of disappointment or sorrow, but because I am about to accomplish in two weeks what I was told this I would never do! And for the record DOCTOR is still the goal and I WILL NOT quit until I reach it!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Perfect Fit
While out shopping this weekend I came across the Dr Seuss book "Are You My Mother?". The story is about a bird who's mother left it to find food before it hatched. Once the baby bird hatches it goes on a quest to find its mother. He goes to several different animals asking "are you my mother?", each time being rejected. In the end, the happy ending comes when the baby bird is reunited with his mom. The one that created him and in whom he could identify with.
I can imagine how that bird must have felt, seeking and searching for himself, trying to find his identity in others. I don't have to think too hard to know what its like to be young and with out your mother. I don't have to imagine how that felt because I have been there. However that is not where my focus lies in this post. I want to focus on the rejection that he must have felt every time that he went to an animal hoping and wishing to find acceptance only to be rejected.
Though I didn't spend my younger years looking for my mother, I did spend many years searching for acceptance yet often ended up like the bird in our story.....still searching! I have tried to find acceptance from friends, in relationships, classmates, even in church and have often come up empty and disappointed. What a feeling! You do all that you know to do, people please, and say all of the right things, yet, at the end of the day you still end up feeling alone and disappointed. To experience this once is hard enough. But imagine time after time, relationship after relationship with the same outcome.
For as long as I can remember, I have wrestled with rejection. I have always felt that nothing that I do is enough. Even as the captain of the cheerleading team in high school, I always felt that nothing that I would do was good enough for people to like me, let alone love me. I have found myself compromising things that I believed and doing things that I wouldn't normally do. I have given what I didn't have. I distinctly remember because I was always made fun of for my proper speech, I taught myself to speak "Ebonics" just to fit in with my peers.
In recent years, I have learned that often the greatest rejection that I have experienced is the rejection of myself. I have found that I have often rejected the greatness that rests within me. I have rejected the many gifts and talents that rest within me. I have thought that I'm not good enough to accomplish great things. This attitude has affected the way that I interact with others, and even the way that I approach different tasks and assignments. I have grown to fear and at times sabotage my own success.
It is the rejection of ME that has often lead to great hurt and pain at the hands of others. This is not to say that other people are not responsible for their actions, however looking back I can see the part that I played. I allowed myself to become someone that I was never created to be and at the end of the day it still wasn't enough. What I was searching for was a place to belong. I was trying to find my perfect fit.
Recently, I have began to accept the fact that I have been different from birth by God's divine design. I am learning that the many unique abilities and desires that I have are a blessing not a curse. I am realizing by not accepting who I am, I am not only doing myself a disservice but also those around me. Before the foundation of the world we were each created to accomplish a specific purpose. We were given a unique set of gifts and talents. You owe it to yourself to be great. Be great at being YOU. The YOU that you were created to be! THE WORLD IS WAITING!!!!!!
I can imagine how that bird must have felt, seeking and searching for himself, trying to find his identity in others. I don't have to think too hard to know what its like to be young and with out your mother. I don't have to imagine how that felt because I have been there. However that is not where my focus lies in this post. I want to focus on the rejection that he must have felt every time that he went to an animal hoping and wishing to find acceptance only to be rejected.
Though I didn't spend my younger years looking for my mother, I did spend many years searching for acceptance yet often ended up like the bird in our story.....still searching! I have tried to find acceptance from friends, in relationships, classmates, even in church and have often come up empty and disappointed. What a feeling! You do all that you know to do, people please, and say all of the right things, yet, at the end of the day you still end up feeling alone and disappointed. To experience this once is hard enough. But imagine time after time, relationship after relationship with the same outcome.
For as long as I can remember, I have wrestled with rejection. I have always felt that nothing that I do is enough. Even as the captain of the cheerleading team in high school, I always felt that nothing that I would do was good enough for people to like me, let alone love me. I have found myself compromising things that I believed and doing things that I wouldn't normally do. I have given what I didn't have. I distinctly remember because I was always made fun of for my proper speech, I taught myself to speak "Ebonics" just to fit in with my peers.
In recent years, I have learned that often the greatest rejection that I have experienced is the rejection of myself. I have found that I have often rejected the greatness that rests within me. I have rejected the many gifts and talents that rest within me. I have thought that I'm not good enough to accomplish great things. This attitude has affected the way that I interact with others, and even the way that I approach different tasks and assignments. I have grown to fear and at times sabotage my own success.
It is the rejection of ME that has often lead to great hurt and pain at the hands of others. This is not to say that other people are not responsible for their actions, however looking back I can see the part that I played. I allowed myself to become someone that I was never created to be and at the end of the day it still wasn't enough. What I was searching for was a place to belong. I was trying to find my perfect fit.
Recently, I have began to accept the fact that I have been different from birth by God's divine design. I am learning that the many unique abilities and desires that I have are a blessing not a curse. I am realizing by not accepting who I am, I am not only doing myself a disservice but also those around me. Before the foundation of the world we were each created to accomplish a specific purpose. We were given a unique set of gifts and talents. You owe it to yourself to be great. Be great at being YOU. The YOU that you were created to be! THE WORLD IS WAITING!!!!!!
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