In the past month I have seen many posts about death and those who have experienced loss. 11 years ago experienced a loss that I thought that I could never recover from. On February 13, 2001 at about 3:30 pm, I watched as my mothers heart beat its last beat. I listened as the doctors told us that she had "passed on." In that moment I realize that any words that were unsaid had to be left unspoken. Things that were incomplete would forever stay that way.
Growing up, one of the things that I remember most is that my mother was one of the most selfless people that I know. She would give of herself even when she had nothing left. Even up until the time that she went in the hospital the final time she would have my brother carry her to her car so that she could drive my aunts around to run their errands. When the day was over and everyone had what they needed she would have my brother carry her back to her bed where she would remain for the rest of the day. See for her, she felt that she HAD to do everything for every one else even at her own detriment.
For many years since my mom's death I have been told "you are just like your mother!" Don't get me wrong, my mom was and is my hero however, the more I think about this the more I realize that this is true. See there is this innate part of me that has to be the rescuer. I have this part of me that will put myself in the path of danger for the sake of helping someone else. Even at the risk of being hurt, and left feeling empty I give. I give, and give, and when I have nothing left still give. But the question is why?
I want to believe that the reason is that I am blessed to be able to do so I do. I would love to say that God has given me a measure of grace that many don't possess. I want to say that my heart is so big that it brings me great joy to rescue someone out of their pit and see them succeed. While all of this may be true to a degree, I had to examine myself and I realize giving to others feeds something in me. But what and why?
Too often we go through life and we just do and do and never ask why. Just to go through life doing as we are told and we don't ask the right questions. Better yet, we don't ask questions at at. My thought is its because asking questions makes us evaluate who we are. It causes us to realize and confront our own flaws.
Though I will never know what motivated my mom I am beginning to realize what motivates me. See there is a big part of me that fears being alone. As confident as I appear to be there is a there is a big part of me that feel that I am not good enough. If the truth were to be told many who read this have felt the same way.
We compromise ourselves and our well being. We give what we don't have. We do things that we know in our heart shouldn't because somewhere in life we begin to value the opinion of men over the opinion of God. We do for others trusting, them to fill a void that only God can. We forget that that the thoughts He thinks toward us are good and not evil to prosper us and not harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. So though life will have its bumps and curves, and some people may walk away. When we do give we can do it out a pure place knowing that that which God ask for though it may cost us everything it will bring us to a place of total prosperity and not emptiness and discontentment. So I ask....why do you give?????