Thankful reflections.

     As I sit on the the eve of my 28th Birthday, I can't help but be grateful for my 27th year. I can't say that everything has been flowers and candy, but I can say that everything has worked together for my good! One of the only things that I remember from biology class is anything that is alive is growing even if you cannot see it. From the tiniest cell to the largest organism, it is constantly growing and reproducing. I can say that this has definitely been a year of growth for me. Though like many students I have learned lessons the hard way I am grateful that I have learned them because they have caused me to grow. I have loved and been loved, given and learned to receive, I have been forgiven but most of all I have learned to forgive. I have accomplished goals that have at one time seemed unreachable. I have gone for a job that I loathed to one that I look forward going to. So as I wave goodbye to 27 I embrace 28 with joy and expectation. I expect that He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it! Happy Birthday To ME!!!!

It's a Choice

    If you have been following my posts then you know that a lot of what I share is from personal experience. Over the past couple of years I have experienced a lot of hurts and disappointments. I have experienced a lot of shifts and changes in relationships. People that I thought were meant to be lifetime friends have exited the picture of my life. On the flip side God has added some amazing people into my life as well. With that being said I am learning the importance of CHOICE.

   The ability to make sound choices is one of the most powerful weapons that we possess as humans, yet for me it also become a  hindrance. As I shared in previous posts, I have always  been one that loves and loves hard. In that, when situations come and people hurt me it hurts me deep and I have the tendency to hold on to things. Though I know that I must forgive, I have found that is a lot easier than it sounds.

   You see, for me, the feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment out weighed the knowledge of God's Word and His requirement of me. If the truth were to be told, many of you reading this have been here to. My refusal to let go and allow God to do the work that He was desiring to do in my life and in the lives of those who hurt me I subconsciously chose to be the god of my life and went into survival mode. I decided that I needed to protect my heart. I needed to do what I felt like God didn't do.

    What I did not realize was that day by day these feelings were eating away at me. Though I living and flourishing outwardly on the inside I was dying. I was slowly becoming a person that  I did not even I like. My prayer life suffered. I felt like I could not hear the voice of God. The loving and trusting person that I used to be was becoming suspicious and cold. I found that when I would usually reach out to others I had found it hard to care.

    One day, I had been praying about a specific situation and as I was getting in my car one morning, I heard the Lord say to me "Its a pride issue!" It was in that moment that it hit me. My pride had caused me to hold on to the hurt and pain of these situations. I had allowed my pain to shield the fact that my actions could have possibly had an effect on the others involved as well. All I knew is that I was hurt and that was all that mattered. 

    That Day in my garage I realized that I had a choice to make. I could chose to allow pride to rule and hold tight to my thoughts, my feelings, my way and protect me or I could choose to forgive and allow God to do the work in my life and heart.

     I wish I could tell you that instantly in that moment I came to myself and everything got better overnight however, that was not the case at all. I had to walk out the process. I had to repent to God and to those involved. I had to do some things the I vowed to myself that I would never do. Though all of  the situations has not fully changed, I can say with certainty that God has done a work in my heart as a result of my choice to forgive. My challenge to you today, is no matter how deep the hurt, know that it does not out weigh the pain that Christ endured on the cross. If He who was without sin is willing to forgive you no matter how may times  you have hurt Him, I invite you to extend the same grace to the ones who have hurt you. Remember that ALL things (good, bad, painful, or otherwise) work together for the good of those who love God and are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

Anything You Starve Will Die!

   It has been a while since I have posted on here. I am sitting at work thinking (since I work graveyard shift there is not much else to do) and I had this thought, "anything you starve will die." Though this is no deep revelation I keep hearing these words over and over again. As I continued to ponder this thought I began to think about how often times this phrase is used to discuss ridding yourself of a bad habit or something along those lines.
   While this is very true in the sense that if you are trying to break a habit, one of the best ways to do that is to not "feed the habit". For me though, I began to think about relationships. I began to ponder how often times in relationships we don't put the necessary time and effort into making them work. I am not just referring to dating/marriage relationships though these types of relationships provide the perfect backdrop for my train of thought.
    Many times when we begin dating we put our best foot forward. We put the time. We go out of our way to let the other person know that we are interested and that we care. Likewise with new friendships. We call, facebook, tweet, DM, IM, TM, you get the point we are constantly doing things to feed the relationship and because of that it flourishes and grows. But as time passes, we go days, weeks, months without communication. Disagreements happen and we just let them go or worse we feed the fury instead of working to repair the breach in the relationship. Before we know it we look up and the person that was once our best friend, mentor, brother, or sister is now a distant acquaintance or worse someone that barely talk to if you talk at all.
   I am learning that anything worth having is worth fighting for. If God has placed people in your life remember to take the time to feed the relationship. Work through disagreements, and invest in building one another. Remember, anything you starve will die.

Almost!!!

I almost quit
I almost gave in
I almost let my emotions get the best of me
I almost gave up
I almost forgot who I was
I almost forgot how to live
I almost became bitter
I almost stopped caring
I almost walked away
But then You reminded me
The pain wont last forever
The hurt must fade away
Your purposes are eternal
Without a crushing
The oil cant flow
The facts aren't always in what you see
But more so what you know

Quiet Reflections

   As I sit on the campus Indiana University of Pennsylvania (IUP), my heart becomes overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness mostly because my first college experience was on this campus. I have so many fond memories. It was in this place that I became serious about salvation and MY walk God. It was at IUP that I met my best friend Melanie. I experienced love and heartbreak, joy and sorrow all in the short year that I was on campus.

   One thing that stands out most to me as I sit in this coffee shop is the morning that I met with the Dean of the chemistry department here on campus. I had asked for the meeting because I was struggling terribly academically and I was already on academic probation. This was during one of the darkest times in my life when I was depressed and deeply mourning the lost of my mother. Waking up everyday was chore and studying and homework took a backseat to miserable days and tear filled nights. While I cannot remember this woman's name, I do remember her telling me that I was not "college material" and that I "did not have what it took to complete this program, let alone become a doctor"

  I remember how my heart broke as she rattled off such heartless words. She didn't know me. She didn't know the story or reason for my struggle. I could feel the tears beginning to fill my eyes. Though her words were as a dagger in my heart I refused to let her see me cry. I let her finish and I walked out of her office broken, defeated, and disappointed.

   I am writing this blog as I anxiously await to cross my second college stage and tears again fill my eyes. Not because of disappointment or sorrow, but because I am about to accomplish in two weeks what I was told this I would never do! And for the record DOCTOR is still the goal and I WILL NOT quit until I reach it!!!!!!

The Perfect Fit

   While out shopping this weekend I came across the Dr Seuss book "Are You My Mother?". The story is about a bird who's mother left it to find food before it hatched. Once the baby bird hatches it goes on a quest to find its mother. He goes to several different animals asking "are you my mother?", each time being rejected. In the end, the happy ending comes when the baby bird is reunited with his mom. The one that created him and in whom he could identify with.
   I can imagine how that bird must have felt, seeking and searching for himself, trying to find his identity in others. I don't have to think too hard to know what its like to be young and with out your mother. I don't have to imagine how that felt because I have been there. However that is not where my focus lies in this post. I want to focus on the rejection that he must have felt every time that he went to an animal hoping and wishing to find acceptance only to be rejected.
  Though I didn't spend my younger years looking for my mother, I did spend many years searching for acceptance yet often ended up like the bird in our story.....still searching! I have tried to find acceptance from friends, in relationships, classmates, even in church and have often come up empty and disappointed. What a feeling! You do all that you know to do, people please, and say all of the right things, yet, at the end of the day you still end up feeling alone and disappointed. To experience this once is hard enough. But imagine time after time, relationship after relationship with the same outcome.
   For as long as I can remember, I have wrestled with rejection. I have always felt that nothing that I do is enough. Even as the captain of the cheerleading team in high school, I always felt that nothing that I would do was good enough for people to like me, let alone love me. I have found myself compromising things that I believed and doing things that I wouldn't normally do. I have given what I didn't have. I distinctly remember because I was always made fun of for my proper speech, I taught myself to speak "Ebonics" just to fit in with my peers.
  In recent years, I have learned that often the greatest rejection that I have experienced is the rejection of myself. I have found that I have often rejected the greatness that rests within me. I have rejected the many gifts and talents that rest within me. I have thought that I'm not good enough to accomplish great things. This attitude has affected the way that I interact with others, and even the way that I approach different tasks and assignments. I have grown to fear and at times sabotage my own success.
  It is the rejection of ME that has often lead to great hurt and pain at the hands of others. This is not to say that other people are not responsible for their actions, however looking back I can see the part that I played. I allowed myself to become someone that I was never created to be and at the end of the day it still wasn't enough. What I was searching for was a place to belong. I was trying to find my perfect fit.
   Recently, I have began to accept the fact that I have been different from birth by God's divine design. I am learning that the many unique abilities and desires that I have are a blessing not a  curse. I am realizing by not accepting who I am, I am not only doing myself a disservice but also those around me. Before the foundation of the world we were each created to accomplish a specific purpose. We were given a unique set of gifts and talents. You owe it to yourself to be great. Be great at being YOU. The YOU that you were created to be! THE WORLD IS WAITING!!!!!!

Trust

   "You can trust me!" a phrase that we hear so often from so many people. We are conditioned to put our trust in those who we feel have our best interest at heart. When we reach the point of trusting someone we become vulnerable and let our guard down. We share our hopes, dreams, our doubts and fears. Those in life who are fortunate enough to gain our trust hold the key to a precious treasure; our heart.
  We are instructed to guard our heart with all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life. But, every now and then our guard is penetrated by those who we feel will never betray, mistreat, or abandon us. When this happens we do the unthinkable, we allow some one "in" .  As long as that person/people remains consistent, things are great. But what happens when that trust is betrayed? What happens when the ones who say that they will always be there decide to walk away?
   Over the past few years, I have experienced many hurts that I never could have imagined at the hands of those that I trusted. In my last blog, I talked about how I constantly give of myself. Often those who I have given the most to have been the ones who have hurt me the deepest. Because I am not one who typically speaks up, I tend to let things go (or at least that what I tell myself); the wounds continue to grow deeper and deeper.
   In church, we are taught to move on for the sake of the Kingdom. We are told not to allow "minor" issues to stop your progress. We are taught to bandage the wound and keep it moving. The problem with that ideology is that though we attempt to move on, the pain still exists. Because the wounds get covered they don't properly heal. Medically speaking, covered wounds take longer to heal if they heal at all. So now we have become the walking wounded, seeking to serve with those who are the cause of such great heartache. We  go about our day to day lives knowing that the very sight of those who have hurt us causes such debilitating emotion  that it is hard to function.
   For a while, I had become a walking paraplegic. You see, I covered the wounds so beautifully with a well dressed smile that no one recognized that I was dying inside. But, what I have come to realize that often times these deep seated wounds have came as a result of allowing someone into a place in my heart that was reserved for God and Him alone. I had unrealistic expectations of people. I expected them to be the epitome of  perfection, to never hurt me, to love me despite my hang ups. I have come to the harsh reality that as long as this remains the case that the pain and disappointment of breached trust will continue.
   As I type this I am aware that there are many who have been or better yet are currently in this same space. So I challenge you to begin the process of allowing God to minister to those broken places. Expose your heart to Him and allow Him mend it like only He can. Release those who have hurt you so that you can be FREE! Trust Him so that He can teach you how to trust others!!!! 
  

Sooooo I Was Thinking.......

    In the past month I have seen many posts about death and those who have experienced loss. 11 years ago experienced a loss that I thought that I could never recover from. On February 13, 2001 at about 3:30 pm, I watched as my mothers heart beat its last beat. I listened as the doctors told us that she had "passed on." In that moment I realize that any words that were unsaid had to be left unspoken. Things that were incomplete would forever stay that way.
    Growing up, one of the things that I remember most is that my mother was one of the most selfless people that I know. She would give of herself even when she had nothing left. Even up until the time that she went in the hospital the final time she would have my brother carry her to her car so that she could drive my aunts around to run their errands. When the day was over and everyone had what they needed she would have my brother carry her back to her bed where she would remain for the rest of the day.  See for her, she felt that she HAD to do everything for every one else even at her own detriment.
    For many years since my mom's death I have been told "you are just like your mother!" Don't get me wrong, my mom was and is my hero however, the more I think about this the more I realize that this is true. See there is this innate part of me that has to be the rescuer. I have this part of me that will  put myself in the path of danger for the sake of helping someone else. Even at the risk of being hurt, and left feeling empty I give. I give, and give, and when I have nothing left still give. But the question is why?
     I want to believe that the reason is that I am blessed to be able to do so I do. I would love to say that God has given me a measure of grace that many don't possess. I want to say that my heart is so big that it brings me great joy to rescue someone out of their pit and see them succeed. While all of this may be true to a degree, I had to examine myself and I realize giving to others feeds something in me. But what and why?
     Too often we go through life and we just do and do and never ask why. Just to go through life doing as we are told and we don't ask the right questions. Better yet, we don't ask questions at at. My thought is its because asking questions makes us evaluate who we are. It causes us to realize and confront our own flaws.
   Though I will never know what motivated my mom I am beginning to realize what motivates me. See there is a big part of me that fears being alone. As confident as I appear  to be there is a there is a big part of me that feel that I am not good enough. If the truth were to be told many who read this have felt the same way.
    We compromise ourselves and our well being. We give what we don't have. We do things that we know in our heart shouldn't because somewhere in life we begin to value the opinion of men over the opinion of God. We do for others trusting, them to fill a void that only God can. We forget that that the thoughts He thinks toward us are good and not evil to prosper us and not harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. So though life will have its bumps and curves, and some people may walk away. When we do give we can do it out a pure place knowing that that which God ask for though it may cost us everything it will bring us to a place of total prosperity and not emptiness and discontentment. So I ask....why do you give?????